She had bad breath
She looked like death
I'd been to Rio
She'd been to Skegness
She cracked my rib when she hugged me tightly
The tattoo on her forehead was so unsightly
And when she said “let's have a McDonald's tea”
I knew she wasn't the woman for me

I wondered, “Why did she ever choose me?”
She chewed gum, spat and swore profusely
She wore Doc Martens
The night that we met
She ran a well dodgy site
On the Internet
I supported Spurs
While she followed Chelsea
So she wasn't the woman for me

I was an atheist
She was a devil worshipper
I had body hair
But she was furrier
She never said `thank you'
She never said `please'
She never used a tissue when she sneezed
(Only her sleeve)
If she was the lock then I wasn't the key
So she wasn't the woman for me

I sent her a passport photograph
She sent me one of her being sick in the bath
Though my body's a temple
She drank pints and smoked
I poured a Pepsi
She snorted coke
I sought romance
She was after a poke
And with her huge repertoire of racist jokes
She was a signed-up member of the BNP
So she wasn't the woman for me

While I studied the Guardian
She skimmed the Sun
I'm a peaceful pacifist
But she packed a gun
She had muscles the size
Of tree trunks
I owned a pet poodle
She owned a skunk
And when she didn't laugh at my poetry
I knew she wasn't the woman for me
'Cause love's not as easy as A, B, 3
'Cause love's not as easy as 1, 2, C
I knew she wasn't the woman for me