Headmistress Cane is my name

I don’t want to see YOU in my office again

I’ve a slipper, a stick, a ball and a chain

The scariest Head that you’ve ever seen

I rule my school like a tyrannical queen

Keep in line all the time

And you won’t feel a thing

But behave badly

Then sadly

I'll cause you great pain

I am Headmistress Cane

I expect perfect behaviour 24/7

Each child must act like an angel from heaven

Not a word out of place

Not a word when I’m talking

Not a word disobeyed

No running, only walking

In my corridors

And if you’re impolite

Or push, shout or fight

I guarantee that you’ll be tamed

By me, Headmistress Cane

I’ve a dungeon below my office for the most unsavoury pupils

Mess with me and your days won’t be very fruitful

But full of misery, grief and punishment too

And a whole week’s detention spent locked in my loo

I might even throw away the key

And if you’re the person who threw that stink bomb in chemistry

You’ll run fifty laps of the field in the snow and the rain

I am Headmistress Cane

And even my teachers

Are endangered creatures

As my staff

Must not laugh

While they work and they graft

Don’t you tremble at the sight of me?

Have nightmares every night through me?

Sit up straight in my assembly!

Or I’ll see you at 3.30pm

To give you lines before you can count up to ten

In my lessons you’ll sweat and you’ll strain

I am Headmistress Cane

Some call me “devil”

Some call me “dictator”

If you’re naughty you’ll be caught by me sooner not later

I’ll mash you up more than mashed up mashed potato

‘Cause even school inspectors bow down to me

When I give them a scowl and a frown you’ll see

Why my school always gets an excellent grade

So be fearful and frightened and fully afraid

Or I’ll set you so much horrid homework to do

You'll not be able to breathe for the next year or two

I hope that I’ve made myself plain

I am Headmistress Cane