Why can’t I be more like Ken?
He’s the male role model for so many men
Full of wit and wisdom and humour and charm
With a beautiful babe hanging on each arm
I’m an eight-stone weakling so God would it harm
Me being upgraded from a four to a ten?
So I can be more like Ken

My dolls would make great stocking fillers
All smooth and silky not hairy gorillas
Superman himself would want my physique
Though you’d need to pull a cord to make me speak
And though my head and limbs would move real stiffly
And my permanent stare would make me look so shifty
I’d forever be twenty instead of going past fifty
Of course I’d only be made of plastic
But being more like Ken would be fantastic

Other guys would no longer kick sand in my face
I’d wear a wardrobe of style and panache and taste
My biceps and triceps would ripple in the breeze
My tan would be the colour of Red Leicester cheese
They’d be a female scrum if I dropped my car keys
With women crying “Neal we want to please ya
Now you look more like that cute Ken geezer”

I’d own a Porsche, a Roller and two Lamborghinis
And be stalked by ladies in tiny bikinis
Enter Mr Universe contests and always win
Not be old and fat but young and thin
I’d have Schwarzenegger’s muscles and Daniel Craig’s chin
If you got Barbie’s beau and made me like him
Although he has no equipment to procreate or pee
Ken is still the bloke I aspire to be

Yes - my cosmetic surgery would be worth every penny
If I ended up looking…
MORE LIKE KENNY