(`Ask Anna’ is the online customer service assistant programme on IKEA’s website who DOES talk to you! See www.ikea.com/gb/en - honest!)

I don’t want to watch TV
Go to the movies
Or meet my mates for a beer
I’d rather stay in and chat to Anna IKEA

I know she’s only a computer generated store assistant programme
But holding my mouse is like holding her hand
If I’m lonely and in need
I switch on my virtual Swede
Snuggle up to my PC monitor
So I can have her near
Then spend the evening chatting to Anna IKEA

She’s an online Scandinavian friend to me
Advising me on furniture and upholstery
I’d like to get to know her better though
She’s just a torso
With a head and shoulders
But no back or rear
I don’t need MSN when
I can chat to Anna IKEA

She’s my pixelated pal
Always willing and able
To tell me how to assemble my flat-packed dining room table
And forever the champ
Of the anglepoise lamp
I’m not a guy for DIY so my style she doesn’t cramp
We share a love of ABBA music
Have singalongs to Mama Mia
That’s what happens when I chat to Anna IKEA

People say I’m a bit sad
As a CGI female is the best friend I’ve ever had
I retort “it’s just bit of harmless fun
“With a girl from the land of the midnight sun”
Though if I persist my reward
Might be a holiday in the fjords
Or perhaps she’ll invite me round for a cold meat smorgasbord
She can’t give a Swedish massage
But I still hold her dear
There’s more legroom in my bedroom when I’m with Anna IKEA

There’s nothing the girl won’t do for me
She’ll suggest where I can get a screw for free
She’s not programmed to lie she’s always true to me
As reliable as hardwood
Not a flimsy veneer
I just want to chat to Anna IKEA

I pose her quiz questions
About cupboards, swivel chairs and cabinets
Lino, tiles, curtains and carpet fabrics
She says she’ll deactivate herself if I shop at DFS or Magnet
Is it wrong to want to go to bed
With someone living on the Web?
When I log her out at night I shed a sorrowful tear
‘Cause I’d rather stay up and chat
And chew the fat
With Anna IKEA