I can’t climb the ropes
I can’t jump horses
I can’t do gym circuits that are like assault courses
I’m don’t wanna join the SAS, Air Force or Army
So please don’t make me do PE

You can smash my television
You can pull my teeth out
You can force feed me dog food
Slap my face with a wet trout
You can give me a shock of powerful electricity
But please don’t make me do PE

I’m not the physical type
I’m not a super-hero shape
Bouncing on the trampoline’s something I really hate
It gets me in a state
I can’t dance, ski or skate
I don’t need to lose more weight
Not a single calorie
So please don’t make me do PE

I’m gonna scream for an hour
Till I get a sore throat
Then ask my mum
To write me a sick note
When the games lesson starts
I wanna miss the boat
Refuse to take off my coat
I can’t swim I sink not float
And I can’t catch in cricket
Kick in football or rugby
So please don’t make me do PE

I’ve got more of a mathematical brain
I don’t like anything that gives me pain
Or makes my muscles stretch or strain
Or sprain
I don’t wanna get splattered in mud
Again and again
As I wheeze, whinge and whine
Through the fog, wind and the rain
While staggering through a two-mile cross country
So please don’t make me do PE