Some men like big women
Some men like them small
Some men like women
Who are hardly there at all
And it’s in that last category into which I fall
‘Cause my woman’s zero inches tall
Just one nanometer
She has no face
Not of the human race
Me and my amoeba

I’ll never leave her
My ex said “I saw her snog a spirogyra”
But I don’t believe her
Who got me out of my emotional prison?
My cute little unicellular organism
When we first met in biology
Friends thought something was wrong with me
Ignoring the warnings from my science teacher
I fell head over heels for a microscopic creature
I’m proud to walk hand in slime with her down the street
(Well actually I drag her cause she has no legs or feet)
But I don’t care that
All the world stares at
Me and my amoeba

She’s not just another blob
I wanna kiss her but she has no gob
She says “Neal it’s not a prob
“To have a baby with you
“I’ll simply split in two
“In three for twins
“Four for triplets
“Five for quads”
Reproduction’s not a difficult job for
Me and my amoeba

She has to tolerate racist folk
Tedious and tiresome single-cell jokes
She says I’m the best bloke she ever met - not like other guys
‘Cause I’m not fussed that she has no hair, brain, mouth, nose, ears or eyes
I’m so made up to be seen
With someone tiny and green
Why don’t you get to know her?
My wee protozoa
And if she does divide in two
It’s one amoeba for me
One amoeba for you
Then we could double date
Our miniature mates
Me and my amoeba

She’s my number one
I could never fall
For a bacterium
Me and my amoeba