Now is it just my imagination
Or has there been a proliferation
All over our nation
In every conceivable area
Of the bête noire of bête noires
The Staffordshire Bull Terrier?

Insidiously they’re taking over
Due to Neolithic men from John O’Groats to Dover
None of this “hi - I’m a nice doggy called Rover?”
But instead
It’s “don’t come near me mate coz I’ll bite off your bleedin’ ‘ead”

And it’s not Rover
But Psycho
Or Rocky
Or Rambo
Or Killer
They wanna have your kids for a snack or sandwich filler
That’s the kinda thing that’s going down
All over the UK, aka Staffytown

Dogs owned by men with inferiority complexes trying to boost their virility
Or Mr and Mrs Nutter hell-bent on destroying our peace and tranquillity
Forever looking like their pets
High incidences of one-armed vets
I’m shopping down the road covered in sweat
While the Staffies all wear collars decorated with metal studs
Have stocky necks
Stronger than my pecs
Scarier than a t.rex
And a penchant for the smell of my blood

What happened to our poodle loving society
Sensitivity, sanity and sobriety?
Where has a gentle woof been replaced by a bloodcurdling snarling sound?
All over the UK, aka Staffytown

And being a pussycat
Is a dangerous thing to be
Rampant doggies
Cause suicidal moggies
To write to Dear Deirdre
E.g.
“This dog I know ate Pedigree Chum
Now he wants warm feline for tea
Namely me!”

Ok, some people have them for protection
But that’s how America started with guns
We’re moving in the wrong direction
To protect your home from harm
Get an old-fashioned burglar alarm
Not a frenzied animal that bites first and asks questions later
With razor sharp teeth to put to shame any self-respecting alligator
Where has the once strong but safe Alsatian
All but lost its crown?
All over the UK, aka Staffytown

I’m no canine hater
But Staffies will get us all sooner or later
If brought up like sharks on heat
And taught “human arse = yummy meat”
So blame the owner not the hound
It’s them we should by putting down
Then we’ll reclaim out cities by the score
Dogs we meet on the street we can greet and shake their paw
No mutilation, laceration, aggravation anymore
Peaceful pooches and playful puppies all around
All over the UK
Come the day
It’s not aka
Staffytown