I’m the `olland and Barrett security guard
Nick that natural liquorice stick
And you’ll be beaten up and barred
And if you try and sneak out with St John’s Wort down your vest
I’ll read you your rights and make a citizen’s arrest
I’m a kleptomaniac’s ultimate test
Steal our stock and you won’t get far
I’m the `olland and Barrett security guard

OK, there might be stronger and tougher and fitter men
But I’m the best in the biz when protecting vitamins
A, B, C, D and E
And if you’re dipping your mitts in the camomile tea
I’ll catch you on CCTV
(Unless you’re bigger than me)
“Oi – you ain’t paid for that Omega 3!”
Put away your counterfeit credit card
I’m the `olland and Barrett security guard

People often stop me and say
“What is this country coming to
When a leading high street health product retailer
Has to employ someone like you?”
Next we’ll have the SAS in Argos
SWAT teams in Top Shop
Mothercare encircled by a cordon of riot cops
Armed gendarmes in French Connection
Offering Bonmarche similar protection
US Marines in KFC
Our swimming pools made safer by the Royal Navy
While I’m the sentinel of flapjacks, laxatives and bran
As the `olland & Barrett security man

I wanted to work at Buckingham Palace
But some say instead I was handed this poison chalice
Still I’m climbing the ladder of my career
And if I play my cards right by this time next year
I’ll be Ronald MacDonald’s personal minder
No longer the monkey more the organ grinder
But till then I’ll police Manuka Honey and the juice of carrots
As the security guard for ‘olland & Barrett

As Judge Dredd said “I am the law”
So if you’re a crim don’t come into my store
Get your aloe vera and zinc elsewhere
(Don’t forget your glucosamine for your joint care
And tea tree shampoo for the shiniest hair)
Think! Before you pilfer that pomegranate drink
Quell your compulsion to pinch that kelp
Or seek out psychiatric help
You don’t wanna cross my path I’m so bloody hard
I’m the `olland and Barrett security guard